America's No. 1 Pretzel

I have been eating snack size bags of Rold Gold Pretzels for two months now, and I've barely put a dent in the "Melissa With A Heart Around It" craft services surplus. I'm on my fourth bag tonight alone. Sigh. Of all the items Jesus could have chosen to miraculously multiply in my home, why he chose these mother fucking pretzels, I'll never know. For instance, I could have used an endless supply of pens — I am constantly losing them. Paper clips would have been useful. But no, my miracle is a bottomless box of Rold Gold Pretzels, guaranteed fresh until December 20. Are there a lot of people with wheat allergies? I'm wondering because on the back of the bag, in black bold ink, it says CONTAINS A WHEAT INGREDIENT, which gives it the flavor of a rather urgent admission. Sort of like those commercials that advertise medications to relieve joint pain but which may lead to SHORTNESS OF BREATH, ANAL BLEEDING, LOSS OF SIGHT, VAGINAL YEAST INFECTIONS, AND OCCASIONAL DIZZINESS. Should I be worried about the wheat ingredient? Am I going to get a yeast infection?