Just hung up with my old friend and higher power Matt Geiger (I'm sure you've heard of him), and it reminded me of how far I've fallen from the person I was when I was happiest with myself. I probably peaked about eight months before graduating from Flagler College. I dunno, maybe I'm romanticizing my first college experience through the lenses of my second, but I feel like those really were the good old days.
Back then I was smarter, more aware of the world around me, more compassionate, less concerned with success, more concerned with justice. I read more, wrote more, thought more, and could hold my liquor better than I can now. I was relaxed, less stressed, more comfortable with my own skin, with other people's skin. And I had more fun, to be honest.
I've lost focus of something. Something big.
Matt's a journalist in Wisconsin these days, and I'm quite proud of him for what he's accomplished in such a short time. But what's most amazing to me is how he's managed to grow without losing himself. Read his blog (see link above). It's fucking hilarious! Now look at my blog -- almost no personality, no sense of the person behind it. Have I lost my voice? I remember when I was working for the newspaper, I always used to get into trouble for putting so much of my personality into the writing, but I always got compliments from my friends and mentors, because they'd never seen newspaper writing like mine before.
I don't think my creative writing has suffered too much, but I do think I'm losing my verve. I need to find that spark again. That harmony with being alive.